Alicia is a princess who doesn’t like boys. She is talking to her father, the king.
Daddy, I don’t want to be a princess anymore. I like the pretty dresses and I sort of like the dancing, but … why do I have to dance with boys? I really don’t like boys. The last boy I danced with told me about all the worms he ate. How he’d get his servants to search far and wide for the fattest, juiciest worms in the kingdom. I almost puked on my pretty slippers, Daddy! It was gross. I could just dance by myself from now on. And you, of course, because you’re my dad and not a boy. But I just cannot stand another day of dancing with worm-eaters!
Shonda wants to help her mom bake in the kitchen. She wants to be a chef when she grows up.
Mom, can I help? Why not? I’m good at baking. I do not make a mess! I do a good job. Can we make cookies? Chocolate chip? Everybody likes cookies. I’m done with my homework. So I can help you. Please? I want to be Rachel Ray when I grow up. Can I use the rolling pin? I like the rolling pin. You want me to watch TV? I never get to help. You told me you’d teach me to cook when I’m older, and I’m older now. I know you told me that last week, so I’m a whole week older now. I just want to help, Mommy!
Addy fell asleep while chewing gum. Now it’s stuck in her hair!
(Screams.) Look what happened! Oh no, oh no, oh noooooo! What am I going to do? It won’t come out! No, Mom, you can’t cut my hair! There must be another way! This is all Daddy’s fault. He gave me that Hubba Bubba gum. Two whole pieces! I can’t help that I fell asleep. My hair will be way too short if you cut it! Can’t you wash it out? Isn’t there anything we can do? I don’t want to lose all my hair!
Mandy helps her little sister learn what is true and what is make-believe.
There’s no such thing as real fairies! Think about it. If they existed, we’d see them caught in our bug zapper. Or we’d feel them get squashed under our bare feet in the grass. If you can’t see them or feel them, they don’t exist. That’s why the only fairy that is real is the Tooth Fairy. I know that for a fact because she leaves me cold, hard cash. Now that’s something you can feel.
Katy is making fun of a girl in her class, Darla, by repeating everything she says.
“Stop repeating everything I say!” “I said stop it!” “Quit it!” “You’re going to get in trouble if you don’t stop!” “I’m telling!” “That’s it! I’m going to the teacher.” Wait! Darla, I was just kidding! Can’t you take a joke? How come you have to be so serious all the time? You’re always running to the teacher. Learn to take a joke. Jeez! Hey, stop repeating me! I said stop it! It’s not funny. I did this al- ready! You’re not original. Quit it!
Nina just found out from her best friend, Ashley, that she wasn’t invited to their friend Britney’s sleepover party.
Britney is having a party? Tonight? Oh. I guess … I didn’t get invited. Maybe she forgot? Or it got lost? I thought we were friends. Did everybody else get invited? That’s so mean! I was never, ever mean to her. I don’t like Britney! I don’t care that I’m not going to a party. She’s not my friend anymore. Why don’t you come over to my house instead of going to her party? If you go to her party, you won’t be my friend anymore, Ashley. I won’t be friends with you, either.
Marissa’s mom has been sick for over a month, so Marissa has been in charge of keeping the house clean. When her little sister has an accident, Marissa can’t help yelling at her.
Jessica, what did you do?! Look at this mess you made! You better clean it up now. There’s going to be paint stuck on the carpet! Why can’t you think before you do stupid things?! (Beat.) Jess, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. It’s just that with Mom in the hospital, I’m sup- posed to take care of things and it’s hard. I’m not a grown-up, but I have to try to be because Dad has to work extra hard to pay for Mom’s hospital bills. But everything’s going to be okay. Mom will get better and come home and it’ll be just like it used to. I know it. (Beat.) How about I help you clean this up — we’ll do it together. I love you, Jess. Will you give me a hug?
Abe’s dad is trying to teach him to play baseball on a hot summer day.
Dad, I’m sick of this. The mosquitoes are eating me alive. Can’t we go inside now? I don’t really have to learn to play baseball. It’s OK. I think I get it now. Eyes on the ball. Right.
Maybe I’m just not any good at this. Maybe I never will be. But a guy can only be hit in the head with a baseball so many times. I’m kinda sick of this game. I don’t think I want to play any more. I’ll just quit the team. Can’t I just quit, Dad?
Louis is a picky eater. He only eats hot dogs. He’s over at his friend Jack’s house, and Jack’s mom, Mrs. Jones, doesn’t have any hot dogs.
No, I’m sorry, Mrs. Jones, I don’t eat that. I only eat hot dogs. You don’t have hot dogs? Oh. Well, maybe I should go home then. That’s all I eat. Hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes I eat to or three instead of just one.
My mom says I’ll grow out of it someday. I doubt it. I love hot dogs. My little sister is worse. She only eats chicken soup. She sticks her pigtails in the soup and sucks it out of her hair. It’s disgusting. Well, tell Jack I’ll see him later. I’ve got to go home and have a few hot dogs. I think it’s a three-hot-dog day. See you later, Mrs. Jones!
WILLIAM – HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A SNAIL
A fun standalone monologue for performance.
How to make friends with a snail. A guide by William the Snail Whisperer McGee.
If you find yourself on the street, without a friend in sight.
Look for a silver trail, shimmering in the light.
It’s a tell tail sign of a slimey friend to be.
Snails make the best of friends. Trust me.
I’m William the Snail Whisperer McGee.
Follow the line until its end
And discover your tiny little friend
A lettuce leaf is all it will take
To convince a snail to be your mate.
Iceberg, spinach or even cos
Lettuce is lettuce to a snail’s snoz
Trust me. I’m William the Snail Whisperer McGee.
Share a salad and be on your way
Because your new snail mate has a busy day!
He has his house on his back
And sites to see.
So pick up your slacks
And get home for tea!
That’s how to make friends with a snail.
A guide by me: William the Snail Whisperer McGee.
Carl was picked up by a social worker or police officer after a concerned neighbor reported trouble at his household. Here, Carl tries to cover for his abusive father.
Do I get to go home now? (Beat.) But Lady, I told you everything was okay. My dad didn’t mean to get mad. It was my fault. He wanted to be left alone and I went in the room to get a pencil to do my homework. I shouldn’t have bothered him. That’s why he made me stay outside in the snow. He probably forgot that I was still out there when he left. I know he was gonna let me back in. He tells me all the time if I’d behave he wouldn’t have to hit — (Seeing her look at a bruise on his arm.) he didn’t do this, I fell down when I was playing. It doesn’t really hurt anyway. Lady, I have to go. My dad’s gonna think bad things — like I ran away from home. I wish my neighbor never called you. My dad always says people need to mind their own business. So can I go now? (Beat.) I can’t stay! I can’t! Don’t you get it? The longer I’m here the more he’s gonna hurt me! I have to go back now before it gets worse!
Bean is playing hide and seek with a bunch of boys. She can’t find anybody.
Hey, where did everybody go? I give up! I counted to a hundred, like you said. It took a really long time. Where is everybody? I said I give up! I can’t find you!
I’ve been looking for ages. Can anybody hear me? This isn’t funny any more, you guys. Come out, come out, wherever you are! Come on, guys. Let’s play a different game! We could play tag outside. Or maybe we could have a snack and play video games. I’ll let you guys play first! I promise! Just come out. I can’t find you, OK? I give up. What more do you want from me? Guys? Hey, guys?
Kid Hero (Boy or Girl)
I’ve always dreamed of being a hero. I’ve tried everything to become super. I let a spider bite me… no spider powers; just lots of itching. I tried standing too close to the microwave oven hoping the radiation would change me. Nothing. And I got in trouble for making so many bags of popcorn. But I took it all to school and had a popcorn party. I was a hero that day. So I guess it kinda worked.
I love being a hero. I love helping people. I love making them happy. And I hate bad guys. I hate creeps who hurt people.
There’s this kid at school… he is always hurting everyone. I am sick of him hurting us. I just need those super powers. I need something that will make him stop!
Maybe if I eat more of the school lunches. They look radioactive. If I get enough green hotdogs and brown ketchup in me… something is bound to happen. (excited)
And I need a catch phrase like “gonna smoosh me a baddie”… and a cool costume… actually last time I was in the bathroom, I saw the perfect superhero name. Protecto! Instead of a telephone booth like superman, I could use a bathroom stall and those Protecto seat covers could be a cape… and make a toilet paper mask. Nothing scares bad guys more than bathroom stuff. (thinks then frowns) Or maybe it will really make them want to give me a swirly. I better rethink this.
HUCK (From adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
Miss Watson told me to pray every day, and whatever I asked for I would get it. But it warn’t so. I tried it. Once I got a fish-line, but no hooks. It warn’t any good to me without hooks. I tried for the hooks three or four times, but somehow I couldn’t make it work. By and by, one day, I asked Miss Watson to try for me, but she said I was a fool. She never told me why, and I couldn’t make it out no way. I set down one time back in the woods, and had a long think about it. I says to myself, if a body can get anything they pray for, why don’t Deacon Winn get back the money he lost on pork? Why can’t the widow get back her silver snuffbox that was stole? Why can’t Miss Watson fat up? No, says I to my self, there ain’t nothing in it. I went and told the widow about it, and she said the thing a body could get by praying for it was “spiritual gifts.” This was too many for me, but she told me what she meant–I must help other people, and do everything I could for other people, and look out for them all the time, and never think about myself. This was including Miss Watson, as I took it. I went out in the woods and turned it over in my mind a long time, but I couldn’t see no advantage about it–except for the other people; so at last I reckoned I wouldn’t worry about it any more, but just let it go.
Aladdin:But I do like Jasmine. I mean, “The Princess!” Ugh! I must’ve sounded so silly! Then again, what does it matter? I’m never going to see her again. Me, the “street rat!” Besides, she deserves a prince. Or at least someone better than me. Oh, why did I ever meet her? Boy, I’m glad I met her! Look at this junk! I bet no one’s been in here for years. Something’s written on this thing. Let’s see here…..
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (Roald Dahl)
I congratulate you, little boy. Well done. You found the fifth Golden Ticket. May I introduce myself. Arthur Slugworth, President of Slugworth Chocolates, Incorporated. Now listen carefully because I’m going to make you very rich indeed. Mr. Wonka is at this moment working on a fantastic invention: the Everlasting Gobstopper. If he succeeds, he’ll ruin me. So all I want you to do is to get hold of just one Everlasting Gobstopper and bring it to me so that I can find the secret formula. Your reward will be ten thousand of these. (he flips through a stack of money) Think it over, will you. A new house for your family, and good food and comfort for the rest of their lives. And don’t forget the name: Everlasting Gobstopper.
Timmy tries to convince his mom that his messy room is not his fault.
Mom, it’s not my fault my room’s a mess! Me and Anthony were playing with his new racecars. Only four of them. And we heard a weird noise out- side, so we opened the window. This huge spaceship landed and a slimy, green alien with three heads came out and jumped in the window. Anthony tried to shoot him with my zapper gun, but it didn’t even hurt him — he just got real mad. So he knocked all the books off my shelf and picked up my toy box with his long, purple antennas and dumped it all over my room. So I threw a Frisbee at him and it bonked him on his third head and he slimed out the window and the spaceship disappeared into the sky. Geez, Mom, you should be happy I’m still alive!
Lee’s dad is watching the news. Lee wants to watch cartoons instead.
Why do you watch the news every night, Dad? It’s boooooooring. It’s always the same. The news is just a bunch of guys talking. It’s JUST SO BORING! Can’t we watch the cartoon channel? Don’t you like to laugh? I feel like my head is going to explode all over this room I’m so bored—Pow! Splat! Smush! Here, I’ll be the news guy: “Tonight everyone is very boring in the whole world. The whole world is boring and bunch of other guys said boring things and the weather is boring. Have a boring night. I’m boring. Good night.” That’s it! I just did the news for you. Now you don’t have to watch it! Let’s watch cartoons!
Will isn’t very good at math. His math teacher is not being nice to him, so he’s hiding in the bathroom during math class.
I’m never coming out. Don’t tell. I’m just going to stay in here. I hate this class. I hate Mrs. Stupidhead. She’s always mean to me. Don’t tell, Mark? You can stay in here, too, if you want. You’re good at math. It’s not fair. She made me do the same problem six times yesterday. She tells me I don’t listen. I do listen! She’s too mean. Please don’t tell her where I am. You won’t get in trouble. I’m just going to stay in the bath- room during math from now on, that’s all. I’m never going back. I don’t care what anyone says.